“Your silence won’t shield you.” ~Audre Lorde
After I was little, I discovered that being “good” meant being quiet.
Not simply with my voice, however with my wants. My feelings. Even the area I took up.
I don’t keep in mind anybody sitting me down and saying, “Don’t converse except spoken to.” However I felt it—within the flinches once I was too loud, the stress once I cried, the delicate reward once I stayed calm, agreeable, small. I felt it in the best way adults sighed with reduction once I didn’t make a fuss. I felt it in the best way I ended asking for what I wished.
Goodness, to me, grew to become about not rocking the boat.
I keep in mind as soon as being instructed, “You’re such a very good lady—you by no means complain.” And I carried that like a medal. I keep in mind crying in my room as a substitute of talking up at dinner. Saying “I’m wonderful” even when my chest damage with unsaid phrases. I didn’t wish to trigger hassle. I wished to be simple to like.
So I smiled via discomfort. Nodded once I wished to say no. Bit my tongue once I had one thing true to say. I grew to become nice, adaptable, well-liked.
And completely disconnected from myself.
The Physique Retains the Quiet
For a very long time, I assumed this was only a persona trait. I instructed myself I used to be simply easygoing. Delicate. A peacemaker.
However the fact is, I had internalized a nervous system survival technique: fawning. A delicate, usually invisible adaptation the place security is sought not via flight or combat however via appeasement. Turning into who others need you to be. Saying what they wish to hear.
In my physique, this regarded like:
- Holding my breath in tense conversations
- Smiling once I felt anxious
- Swallowing phrases that rose in my throat
- Feeling exhausted after social interactions, not realizing why
It wasn’t simply social anxiousness or shyness. It was a deeply ingrained survival sample—one which formed all the things from how I moved on this planet to how I associated to others.
I didn’t but have the language for what was occurring. However I may really feel the price.
The silence I carried began to ache—not simply emotionally, however bodily.
My jaw clenched. My shoulders rounded ahead. My chest felt like a locked room. I felt foggy in conversations, distant in relationships, not sure of the place I started and ended.
It seems, once you chronically silence your self to remain protected, your physique begins whispering what your voice can’t say.
The First Time I Mentioned “No”
It wasn’t a dramatic second. There was no shouting or storming out.
It was a quiet dinner with somebody I didn’t really feel absolutely protected round. They requested for one thing that crossed a line. And for the primary time in my grownup life, as a substitute of robotically saying sure, I paused.
I heard the outdated script begin to run: Be good. Don’t upset them. Simply say sure, it’s simpler.
However one thing in me—a wiser, quieter half—held regular.
I took a breath. I mentioned, “No, I’m not okay with that.”
And regardless that my physique trembled, I didn’t crumble. Nothing catastrophic occurred. I went house and cried—not from worry, however from reduction.
It was one of many first moments I spotted I may select myself. Even when it felt unnatural. Even once I wasn’t certain what would occur subsequent.
That one second modified one thing in me. Not in a single day. However it planted a seed.
Reclaiming My Voice, One Breath at a Time
Reclaiming my voice hasn’t been an enormous, daring revolution. It’s been a sluggish unfolding.
It seems like:
- Taking a couple of seconds earlier than I reply, even when silence feels uncomfortable
- Letting myself converse with emotion, not filtering all the things to sound “cheap”
- Naming what I want, even when my voice shakes
- Resting after interactions that go away me drained—honoring the impression
- Journaling the issues I wished to say, even when I by no means say them out loud
Some days I nonetheless go quiet. I nonetheless really feel the outdated worry that talking fact will trigger rupture, rejection, or hurt. Generally I nonetheless rehearse what I wish to say 5 occasions earlier than I say it as soon as.
However I’ve discovered that each time I hearken to myself, even when simply with a hand on my coronary heart, I’m creating security from the within out.
And slowly, my physique started to shift. I stood a bit taller. My breath got here a bit simpler. I began to really feel extra right here—extra like myself, not only a reflection of who I assumed I wanted to be.
What Helped Me Start
Generally, what rises first isn’t braveness however grief. Grief for all of the moments we didn’t converse, for the variations of ourselves that held all of it inside. I needed to be taught to fulfill that grief gently, not as failure, however as proof of how exhausting I used to be attempting to remain protected.
This journey didn’t start with confidence—it started with compassion.
Noticing the occasions I silenced myself with curiosity as a substitute of disgrace.
Asking: What did I worry may occur if I spoke? What used to occur?
Inserting a hand on my chest and saying gently, “You’re not unhealthy for being quiet. You had been attempting to remain protected.”
After which, once I felt prepared, experimenting with small expansions:
- Leaving a voice word for a pal as a substitute of texting
- Telling somebody “I want a second to assume” as a substitute of dashing a solution
- Saying “I really disagree” in a dialog the place I usually would’ve nodded alongside
None of those had been massive leaps. However every one taught my nervous system a brand new fact: it’s protected to have a voice.
If You’ve Been Quiet Too
In the event you’re studying this and recognizing your individual silence, I would like you to know:
You’re not unhealthy for going quiet. You had been clever. Your nervous system was doing its greatest to maintain you protected.
And in case you’re starting to really feel the tug to talk—to take up a bit extra space, to say “no” or “I don’t know” or “I want a second”—you’ll be able to belief that too.
You don’t have to develop into loud or forceful. Reclaiming voice doesn’t imply overpowering anybody else. It simply means together with your self. Honoring your fact. Letting your physique exhale.
You’re allowed to be heard. You’re allowed to pause. You’re allowed to unfold, one breath at a time.
Your voice will not be a risk. It’s a bridge—again to your self. Your silence as soon as saved you protected. However now, your fact may set you free.
About Maya Fleischer
Maya Fleischer is a somatic information and creator of Unfold Consciously, a delicate area for therapeutic emotional patterns and reconnecting with the physique’s knowledge. She shares sluggish, heart-based practices for nervous system therapeutic, softness, and self-trust. You’ll be able to obtain her free 5-day audio journey, A Light Follow Collection for the Delicate and Self-Censored, at subscribepage.io/audio-journey.
