“Model is a option to say who you’re with out having to talk.” ~Rachel Zoe
I didn’t got down to discover myself.
I simply appeared within the mirror at some point and thought, “Wait, when did I cease wanting like me?”
It was after a breakup—the type that leaves you foggy, emotionally threadbare, attempting to make sense of the place you misplaced your self.
There I used to be, standing in my bed room, sporting one thing useful, outdoorsy, and… fully not me.
Not that there’s something incorrect with cargo pants and fleece. If that’s your type, it’s stunning.
However I’m a lady who grew up in Paris… who loves texture, form, and coloration… who used to put on lipstick to the grocery retailer simply because it made her really feel fancy.
And I couldn’t keep in mind the final time I’d wearing a means that made me really feel alive.
That second wasn’t dramatic. However it caught—like a pebble in my shoe, a quiet consciousness I couldn’t unfeel.
I didn’t know what to do with it at first. So I simply began noticing. What I wore. What I reached for. What I missed.
What felt like one tiny step nearer to me—and what felt like somebody (anybody) else.
And slowly, with out which means to, I began discovering my means again.
Not by means of journaling. Not by means of remedy. By means of type.
I didn’t understand it then, however I used to be beginning to come house to myself—one outfit at a time.
I’ve all the time felt like a cultural mosaic—fantastically advanced in idea, however onerous to carry in a single piece.
Indian by heritage. East African household roots. Raised throughout 4 nations. A mixture of accents, traditions, languages, and methods of seeing the world.
And for a very long time, I wasn’t certain who I used to be presupposed to be in the course of all that.
In some circles, I used to be too Western. In others, I felt too brown, too “different.” Even inside my very own neighborhood, I usually sensed I used to be too completely different… not conventional sufficient.
I grew to become expert at shape-shifting—mixing in the place I may, firming down what felt inconvenient. Quietly amassing contradictions I didn’t know how one can resolve.
I attempted, in fact. I learn the books. Took the workshops. Employed the coaches. I journaled and meditated and therapized and “mantra-ed” myself half to dying. I even grew to become a coach.
Most of it helped, in its personal means.
However the strangest, most sincere sort of therapeutic didn’t occur in a training session or on a yoga mat. It occurred in my closet.
It began quietly. One night time, I discovered myself selecting out an outfit for the subsequent day… To not impress. To not curate a glance. Simply to really feel a bit of extra like myself. And for some purpose, that felt good. Light. Reassuring.
So I did it once more the subsequent night time. And the subsequent.
Ultimately, it grew to become a ritual. Simply me, slowing down lengthy sufficient to verify in with myself.
I began to ask questions like:
- What elements of me wish to present up tomorrow?
- What feeling do I wish to carry into the day?
- Which items make me really feel alive?
Then I’d select garments that mirrored no matter solutions got here by means of.
Typically that meant daring coloration and structured strains—one thing that mentioned, I’m right here, and I’m not hiding.
Typically it meant smooth, draping materials—one thing that allow me exhale.
Typically it meant a mixture of issues that didn’t “go” however in some way felt just like the truest model of me.
Like I used to be letting the paradoxes reside on my physique as an alternative of simply in my head.
And in doing that—in really sporting my contradictions, wrapping them in silk and denim and thread—I started to make peace with them. And I started to cease seeing them as flaws to elucidate away or conceal and begin seeing them as richness. Texture. Proof of a life deeply lived.
As an alternative of attempting to resolve the strain, I let or not it’s stunning. I let it belong. And surprisingly, that softened one thing in me.
The disgrace that after whispered, “Choose a aspect, be clearer, be much less complicated” quieted.
I started to belief that I may maintain multitudes—and nonetheless be entire.
Within the morning, after I’d slip into these garments, it wasn’t nearly getting dressed. It was an act of permitting. Permitting myself to be seen. To take up house. To be advanced, contradictory, and nonetheless worthy of magnificence. A quiet sure to the fullness of who I’m—who I’ve all the time been.
What stunned me most was how I began to really feel.
How may one thing exterior—one thing as seemingly superficial as clothes—give me the elusive confidence I’d spent years chasing on the within?
Perhaps it wasn’t concerning the garments in any respect. Perhaps it was about permission.
To be seen. To really feel stunning by myself phrases. To inform the reality of who I’m—not with phrases, however with material and coloration and silhouette.
Perhaps it was about giving my physique an opportunity to talk… and studying how one can hear.
Each night, I nonetheless take just a few quiet minutes to select what I’ll put on the subsequent day. Not as a result of I’m attempting to venture one thing. However as a result of it helps me hook up with one thing.
It’s one of many solely elements of my day that feels fully mine—not rushed, not reactive. A smooth pause. A second to land.
Clothes has turn out to be a sort of mirror. And that second of dressing has turn out to be a type of meditation. Not the sitting-still form. The remembering form. The reconnecting form.
I believed I used to be simply enjoying with materials and silhouettes. However I used to be really coming house to myself—piece by piece.
Listening to what felt good. Letting go of what didn’t. Making house for a number of elements of me to coexist.
That’s the factor I by no means anticipated: one thing as abnormal as selecting an outfit—one thing all of us should do anyway—can turn out to be a love letter to your self. In case you let it.
About Nayla Mitha
Nayla Mitha helps girls construct careers that really feel like house, not like another person’s thought of success. Her instruments are designed to show you how one can excel whereas staying true to your self (in and out) making your skilled journey extra balanced, fulfilling, and profitable. Obtain certainly one of her FREE assets for heart-centered girls HERE and join together with her on Instagram HERE.
