“Happiness turned to me and stated, ‘It’s time. It’s time to forgive your self for all the belongings you didn’t turn into… Above all else, it’s time to imagine, with reckless abandon, that you’re worthy of me, for I’ve been ready for years.” ~Bianca Sparacino
I didn’t know who I used to be.
That realization hit me like a punch to the chest after I ended a decade-long relationship and canceled my wedding ceremony six weeks earlier than it was alleged to occur.
I bear in mind standing in my kitchen one morning, staring on the flooring, and considering, I do not know what sort of music I truly like.
That may sound small, nevertheless it was the start of every part unraveling.
As a result of whenever you don’t know what sort of music you want… you most likely don’t know what your values are. Or your opinions. Or your boundaries. Or your identification.
And in my case, I didn’t.
My identification had been formed fully by different individuals. I had turn into an knowledgeable in sensing what individuals wished me to be—after which being it.
I did it with romantic companions, with buddies, with coworkers. It was like I had this superpower: I may stroll right into a room, assess the vitality, and morph myself into whoever I believed could be the most likable model of me in that context.
Nice for my performing profession. Not so nice for actual life.
When the connection ended and I lastly discovered myself alone, I didn’t simply really feel misplaced. I felt hole. I didn’t have a self to return residence to. And the loneliness? It was insufferable.
I entered what I now name my “summer time of disappointment.”
On the time, I referred to as it freedom. I drank greater than regular. Partied greater than regular. I instructed myself I used to be lastly dwelling. However behind all of it was a deep, silent ache. A confusion. An emotional fog that wouldn’t raise.
Finally, the fog changed into one thing darker: I spiraled right into a rock-bottom second I by no means noticed coming. It was like my soul stated, Sufficient.
And someplace in that mess, I grabbed a pen.
I didn’t know what else to do. I had a lot swirling inside me, and nothing made sense. So I sat down with my journal and wrote two lists.
Record One: Who I Am
This listing was laborious to put in writing. It wasn’t self-love-y or optimistic. It was trustworthy.
I wrote issues like:
- I’m anxious and overthinking always.
- I say sure after I need to say no.
- I attempt to be what I believe others need me to be.
- I interrupt individuals when they’re talking as a result of I need to really feel relatable.
- I really feel responsible on a regular basis, and I don’t know why.
- I don’t belief myself.
There was no sugarcoating. No judgment both. Simply statement.
I appeared on the web page and thought, Okay. That is the place I’m at.
Then I flipped the web page.
Record Two: Who I Need to Be
This listing felt completely different. Not dreamy or summary, however clear.
I wrote issues like:
- I need to be grounded and calm.
- I need to be form, affected person, and beneficiant.
- I need to hear greater than I communicate.
- I need to say no with out guilt.
- I need to present up extra in love and fewer in concern.
- I need to transfer by means of the world not feeling like I all the time have to show myself.
Studying them again, I may really feel how wildly completely different these two variations of me have been—not simply in how I confirmed up for the world, however in how I handled myself.
One listing was filled with concern, defensiveness, and guilt. The opposite was rooted in confidence, calm, and selection.
It wasn’t about changing into a brand-new individual. It was about changing into extra me—the model of me that had been buried beneath layers of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and efficiency for years.
You may’t turn into who you need to be in the event you’re not trustworthy about who you’re proper now. That’s precisely what these two lists gave me—an unfiltered have a look at either side of the mirror.
As I checked out each lists aspect by aspect, I didn’t really feel disgrace. I felt readability.
The hole between them wasn’t a flaw. It was a course.
And I had a option to make. Hold going as I used to be—or lastly do the work to vary.
Not only for a month. Not simply till I felt higher. However for actual this time.
The type of change that’s uncomfortable. The sort that reworks your patterns, rewires your reflexes,
and asks you to let go of every part that not matches.
That second grew to become the muse of my therapeutic journey.
Consciousness First, Then Change
Let me be clear: I didn’t get up the subsequent day and magically turn into that second listing.
What I did was begin noticing. I’d stroll away from conversations and suppose, Ah… I interrupted individuals so much once more. I attempted to be humorous as a substitute of actual. I stated sure after I meant no.
At first, that consciousness was irritating. I wished to be additional alongside. However finally, I spotted the win is in noticing.
What helped me most on this a part of the method was journaling.
I started monitoring my ideas, my actions—even complete conversations. I’d ask myself: Was I current at present? Or was I in my head? Did I attempt to show one thing? The place did that sample present up?
Typically I’d set one small focus, like “interrupt much less,” and observe that for weeks. I began noticing who I felt the necessity to impress, after I misplaced presence, and what sort of individuals triggered these previous habits. I wasn’t making an attempt to repair it —I used to be studying myself in actual time. That consciousness, day-to-day, grew to become the bridge.
That’s the start line for each actual shift.
Over time, these small moments of noticing changed into completely different selections. I began talking up. Setting boundaries. Sitting with my feelings as a substitute of numbing them. Selecting presence over efficiency.
And little by little, I started changing into the individual on the second listing.
Not completely. Not rapidly. However actually.
What I Realized from Writing Two Lists
1. Change begins with radical honesty. You may’t develop in the event you’re not keen to call the place you’re.
2. Self-awareness is a talent, not a swap. It builds slowly. Be affected person.
3. You don’t have to know the entire path. Simply the course is sufficient.
4. The aim isn’t perfection. It’s alignment. It’s feeling happy with who you’re changing into.
In the event you’re in a season of unraveling, I see you. It’s disorienting. It’s uncomfortable. However it may also be the doorway to every part actual.
So seize a pen. Write your lists.
To not disgrace your self, however to fulfill your self.
That second of fact would possibly simply be the second that modifications every part.
You don’t have to put in writing your lists completely. You don’t even need to know what to do with them instantly. Simply be trustworthy. Begin the place you’re. Let readability come earlier than change—and let that be sufficient for now.
About Sara Mitich
Sara Mitich helps individuals reconnect with themselves and transfer by means of life’s challenges with extra readability, peace, and self-trust. Because the founding father of Gratitude & Development, she shares insights on mindfulness, mindset, and emotional resilience. Discover extra at www.gratitudegrowth.com.
