“Don’t consider every little thing you hear—even in your personal thoughts.” – Daniel G. Amen
This quote would possibly sound like one thing you’d learn on a espresso mug or an Instagram quote slide. However when your personal thoughts is feeding you a 24/7 stream of terrifying, intrusive ideas? That little phrase turns into a survival technique.
Positive, I’ve a lot of methods now. However they weren’t born from a delicate religious awakening or a peaceable stroll within the woods. They have been born out of a relentless, knock-down, drag-out struggle with obsessive-compulsive dysfunction (OCD). A struggle that began after I was a child and stole years of my life.
Let me be blunt: OCD just isn’t quirky or cute. It’s not about liking issues tidy or being “a bit sort A.” It’s a full-body, panic-inducing dysfunction the place your mind screams, “You might be at risk!”—even when there’s no precise menace.
It’s counting in determined loops. It’s having rituals you don’t perceive however can’t cease doing. It’s concern that appears like a gun pointed between your eyes, triggered by nothing greater than a thought. I do know as a result of I’ve OCD, or I suppose I ought to say “had” OCD.
Life with OCD: A Battle Inside My Head
From the time I used to be younger, my mind was hijacked by concern. Fears that one thing horrible would occur. That I’d lose individuals I beloved. That I’d be misunderstood, unworthy, unforgivable. These ideas didn’t simply whisper—they screamed. And my physique listened: sweaty palms, racing coronary heart, shallow breath. Again and again, though nothing was actually flawed.
To manage, I created rituals—compulsions that promised aid however by no means delivered. I’d roll my neck a sure method, flex my wrists, blink, swallow, rely in rapid-fire succession—something to really feel proper once more. But it surely by no means actually labored. 4 was my magic quantity for a very long time. I might fly by sixty-four units of 4 quicker than you’d consider. Nonetheless, the anxiousness roared again each time.
Desire a image of what this regarded like? Right here’s one from highschool: I’m sitting on the kitchen desk. I look—once more—on the spherical straw basket on the wall. I roll my neck, flex each wrists, blink, swallow. Rattling it. Not proper. I begin the sequence once more. One-two-three-four. One-two-three-four. Once more. And once more. 4 units of 4, achieved 4 instances. Nonetheless not proper. I’m drowning in invisible urgency whereas everybody else is simply attempting to eat dinner.
I had objects in each room of the home, every one assigned to a ritual. A cherry wooden clock. The sting of a curtain rod. A fluorescent gentle tile. I didn’t select this. I didn’t even perceive it. And I positively didn’t get pleasure from it. OCD stole my time, my vitality, and my sanity. If I didn’t do the rituals, I used to be consumed by dread. If I did them, they have been by no means adequate. It was a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t existence.
Ideas That Terrified Me
The content material of my fears modified over time, however the depth didn’t. Typically the dread was obscure. Typically it was particular and disturbing—violent pictures, inappropriate sexual ideas, blasphemous phrases. I obsessed that I’d decide up a knife and harm somebody. That somebody I beloved would die as a result of I breathed the flawed method.
I couldn’t write with out rewriting. I couldn’t look in a mirror with out fearing I’d develop into useless. I drew invisible traces on the ground to guard individuals. I needed to sit a sure method, communicate a sure method, assume a sure method. And God assist me if a “dangerous” thought popped into my head mid-ritual—I needed to begin another time.
At one level in school, whereas caught in an infinite loop of attempting to place a chunk of paper in a folder “excellent,” I ended up stabbing a pencil into my thigh out of sheer psychological exhaustion.
I actually believed I used to be damaged.
Discovering a Identify—and a Manner Out
I didn’t even understand it was OCD till I stumbled throughout a e-book after which noticed a video exhibiting different individuals’s compulsions. It was a holy shit second. You imply another person can’t fold a towel simply as soon as both?
As soon as I had a reputation for what was occurring, I might start to untangle it. I discovered that my mind was sending false messages—and that I didn’t should obey them. A psychiatrist as soon as defined it with a triangle: Most individuals’s ideas bounce between factors and transfer on. Mine received caught within the triangle and simply spun endlessly.
Understanding that helped. However what actually modified every little thing was discovering mantras.
How Mantras Helped Me Rewire My Mind
My mother—who additionally struggled with OCD—began making up little phrases with me to chop by the noise. The one which modified every little thing?
“That’s a mind glitch. I don’t have to concentrate to that.”
It sounds easy, however that phrase grew to become a psychological lifeline. It helped me step again, name out the OCD lie, and redirect my focus. It was a method to problem the urgency of the thought with out getting pulled into the ritual. And it labored—not in a single day, however constantly, over time.
Then I learn Mind Lock by Jeffrey Schwartz, which broke down the very same technique: establish the thought, reattribute it, and refocus. I noticed—I’d already been doing that with my mantras. They have been serving to me rewire my thoughts. That realization was empowering. I wasn’t simply surviving anymore. I used to be retraining my mind.
Mantras, OCD, and the Messy Center of Therapeutic
Slowly, imperfectly, I ended combating my ideas and began getting inquisitive about them. I started to note how concern hooked me—and the way I didn’t should take the bait.
My mantras began piling up on sticky notes all over the place. They have been grounding. Typically humorous. Typically critical. Typically simply sarcastic sufficient to chop by the noise in my head. However they labored. They jogged my memory of what was true. They gave me simply sufficient house to reply in another way.
As a result of right here’s the factor: OCD doesn’t run my life anymore. Positive, the tendencies nonetheless flare up below stress—however I’ve instruments now. I’ve perspective. And I’ve mantras.
Not the fluffy type that pretends every little thing is okay. The gritty, scrappy, fiercely compassionate type that claims:
- Sure, your mind is being loud proper now—and also you’re nonetheless allowed to relaxation.
- Uncertainty is uncomfortable, not harmful.
- You aren’t your mind.
- You possibly can let go. Even when you need to do it 100 instances.
Should you’re somebody who struggles with relentless ideas—whether or not it’s OCD, anxiousness, or simply the on a regular basis noise of being human—I hope this conjures up you to craft your personal phrases, rooted in your values and the form of life you need to transfer towards, or mantras that remind you to disregard that harsh interior critic and the fears that lurk in your thoughts.
You’re not alone.
Your ideas will not be all the time true.
And you might be allowed to let go of ideas that don’t serve you.
Even when you need to let go over and again and again. That’s okay. That’s the work.
Don’t consider every little thing you assume. However begin believing that you may heal.
