“True belonging solely occurs after we current our genuine, imperfect selves to the world. Our sense of belonging can by no means be better than our degree of self-acceptance.” ~Brené Brown
Final yr over lunch, my good friend, Jess, confessed one thing to me that hit me proper in my intestine as a result of I’d been there too—that very same lie, that very same concern.
Out of nowhere, she blurted out, “I have to cancel.”
“Cancel what?” I requested.
She burst into tears. “I RSVPed sure to Jen’s wedding ceremony months in the past, nevertheless it’s this weekend, and I simply… I can’t do it.”
As she sobbed, she confessed she’d already crafted a textual content message claiming meals poisoning. The marriage was for her finest good friend since school, and she or he was bailing—not due to an emergency, however as a result of she was afraid of being judged by the opposite company.
My abdomen dropped. Not as a result of I used to be shocked, however as a result of I noticed myself in her confession.
Again in 2012, I’d performed precisely the identical factor. My cousin, who I’d grown up with—shared a bed room with throughout household holidays, handed notes with throughout boring household dinners—was getting married. And I…simply couldn’t make myself go.
I nonetheless get a sick feeling remembering it. Me, twenty-nine years outdated, sitting absolutely dressed on my mattress at 3:42 p.m., staring on the invitation that had been on my fridge for months. The marriage began at 4:30. It was a twenty-five-minute drive. And I used to be frozen, actually nauseous with anxiousness.
What if the small speak was insufferable? What if my ex was there together with his new girlfriend? What if folks seen I’d placed on weight since Christmas? What if, what if, what if…
I texted my cousin claiming a 102-degree fever. Then I ordered pizza, watched Netflix, and tried to disregard the hole feeling in my chest.
Yeah. Simpler to remain dwelling the place it felt “secure.”
The Painful Paradox
Working by way of my very own social anxiousness mess, plus serving to others with the identical wrestle through the years, has taught me one thing that blew my thoughts once I first realized it:
We reject ourselves BEFORE anybody else will get the prospect.
Let me clarify.
We expect our social anxiousness comes from being afraid of different folks’s judgment. However that’s not fairly it. We’re truly afraid they’ll verify the crappy issues we already take into consideration ourselves.
After I bailed on that wedding ceremony, I wasn’t actually fearful about what my household would assume. I used to be fearful they’d see the “fact” I already believed: that I wasn’t fascinating sufficient, put-together sufficient, or worthy sufficient to belong there.
So as an alternative of risking that ache, I selected a distinct ache—isolation. I projected my very own harsh self-judgment onto everybody else, assuming they’d see me the identical method.
Speak about a messed-up technique! By “defending” myself from potential rejection, I assured rejection by rejecting myself first. And worse, I created real-world “proof” that I didn’t belong, which solely fed my insecurities.
My good friend was caught in the identical entice. She didn’t truly know she’d be judged on the wedding ceremony. However she was so satisfied of her personal unworthiness that she assumed everybody else would see it too.
The Lightbulb Second That Modified Every thing
For many of my life, I dismissed my social anxiousness as “simply being an introvert.” Handy label, proper? Helped me keep away from admitting I used to be truly terrified.
Then my good friend Kayla—who has zero filter—known as me out over espresso.
“Sandy,” she mentioned, eyeing me over her mug, “you notice you spend like 90% of your power imagining what folks take into consideration you and possibly 10% truly discovering out?”
I nearly choked on my latte. Ouch.
That night time, I grabbed an outdated journal and began monitoring my ideas earlier than social occasions. Holy crap. I used to be spending HOURS in psychological gymnastics:
- Rehearsing conversations that may by no means occur
- Developing with witty responses to imagined criticisms
- Planning defenses to judgments no person had truly made
- Obsessing over outfit decisions to keep away from potential feedback
I’d exhausted myself earlier than even leaving the home! And the worst half? I used to be taking part in each roles in these imaginary situations—each the cruel choose AND the particular person being judged.
Speak about a rigged recreation.
So I made a decision to attempt one thing radical. My neighbor was having a cocktail party that weekend. As a substitute of my ordinary psychological prep work, I made myself a promise: simply present up as-is. Not because the “entertaining Sandy” or the “spectacular Sandy” or every other model. Simply… me.
I received’t lie—I nearly bailed 3 times that day. However I went. And with out all the standard self-judgment noise in my head, one thing bizarre occurred. I truly listened when folks talked as an alternative of planning my subsequent intelligent remark. Conversations felt simpler. I laughed extra.
Afterward, my neighbor texted, “Thanks for coming! Cherished our speak about your journey to Maine—we must always seize espresso someday.”
Wait, what? I hadn’t rehearsed the Maine story. That was simply me rambling about one thing I cherished. And he or she… appreciated it?
This tiny expertise punched a gap in my perception system. Possibly, simply possibly, folks may just like the precise me—not some rigorously curated model I assumed I wanted to be.
Attending to Know the Actual You
So right here’s what I’ve found out: the best way by way of social anxiousness isn’t turning into higher at small speak or forcing your self into uncomfortable conditions. It’s about attending to know your self—the true you below all that concern and protecting armor.
Once you truly know and like your self, different folks’s opinions simply don’t matter as a lot. You develop a type of inside anchor that retains you regular even when social waters get uneven.
This journey towards realizing your self isn’t all the time Instagram-worthy. It’s messy. However right here’s what’s labored for me.
1. Catch your self in self-rejection mode.
Begin noticing while you again out of issues since you’re afraid of judgment. Ask your self, “Am I rejecting myself earlier than even giving others an opportunity to simply accept me?”
Final month, I nearly skipped a reunion with associates from highschool as a result of “nobody would bear in mind me anyway.” Basic self-rejection! Naming it helped me pause and rethink.
2. Query your core beliefs.
The place did you get the concept that you’re not sufficient? Most of us are carrying round beliefs we shaped as awkward thirteen-year-olds! A few of mine have been:
- “I’m boring except I’m entertaining folks.”
- “Individuals solely like me once I assist them with one thing.”
- “If I present my actual emotions, folks will assume I’m an excessive amount of.”
When you establish these beliefs, you can begin gathering proof that challenges them. My good friend who missed the marriage realized her core perception was “I don’t belong in celebrations.” We traced it again to an eighth-grade party catastrophe!
3. Speak to your self such as you’re not a jerk.
I used to have a operating commentary in my head that I might NEVER say to a different human being. “You’re so awkward. Why did you say that? Everybody’s simply tolerating you.”
Studying to talk to myself with primary decency was life-changing. After I really feel anxious now, I’ll actually put my hand on my coronary heart and say, “That is exhausting. A number of folks really feel this manner. How can I assist myself proper now?”
Tacky? Possibly. But it surely works.
4. Child steps, not cliff jumps.
Restoration doesn’t imply instantly diving into your scariest social state of affairs. That’s like attempting to run a marathon while you’ve by no means jogged across the block.
Begin small. Possibly it’s:
- Espresso with one good friend as an alternative of a bunch
- A thirty-minute look at a celebration with permission to depart
- A category the place the main target isn’t on socializing however on a shared curiosity
Every small win builds proof in opposition to your “I don’t belong” perception system.
5. Create a self-connection observe.
You want common check-ins with your self to quiet the noise of imagined expectations and reconnect with who you actually are.
For me, it’s morning journaling with espresso earlier than anybody else is awake. For my good friend, it’s portray horrible watercolors that nobody will ever see. Discover what helps you hear your individual voice clearly.
Even 4 minutes of intentional self-connection can start rebuilding your relationship with your self. (Belief me, I’ve timed it!)
My Cousin’s Do-Over
Life could be weirdly beneficiant generally. Three years after I missed my cousin’s first wedding ceremony, she acquired remarried (to the identical man—they’d eloped after household drama with the primary ceremony, then determined to have a correct celebration later).
When the invitation arrived, my palms immediately acquired sweaty. Right here was my likelihood to do issues in a different way, however the outdated concern got here roaring again.
This time although, I had new instruments. As a substitute of spiraling into “what-ifs,” I requested myself, “What if I simply confirmed up as myself? What’s the worst that would occur? What’s the most effective?”
I felt the concern—it didn’t magically disappear—however I didn’t let it make my choice. I centered on how a lot I cherished my cousin and the way I’d regretted lacking her first celebration.
Was the marriage excellent? Nope. I spilled purple wine on my gown throughout the first hour. I acquired caught in a clumsy dialog about politics with my uncle. I nonetheless felt twinges of “I don’t belong right here” at instances.
However I stayed. I danced badly to the Cha-Cha Slide. I ate cake.
And at one level, my cousin grabbed my arms and mentioned, “I’m so glad you made it this time, Sandy.” The real pleasure in her eyes hit me more durable than any anxiousness ever may.
Generally exhibiting up is sufficient.
The Reward of Simply Being You
For many of my life, I assumed social anxiousness was simply “how I used to be wired”—some unchangeable a part of my character. However seems, it wasn’t about who I’m. It was about how I’d discovered to deal with myself.
After I started treating myself with a fraction of the kindness I’d present to a good friend, issues shifted. Not in a single day. Not completely. However genuinely.
The much less I wanted exterior validation, the extra snug I turned in my very own pores and skin. And weirdly, the extra genuine connections I began making.
Look, I nonetheless get nervous earlier than large social occasions. I nonetheless generally catch myself falling into the outdated psychological prep work. However now I can snort at it and gently redirect.
For those who’re somebody who tends to cover fairly than present up, please hear this:
- The judgment you’re so afraid of is usually coming from YOU first.
- By rejecting your self, you deny others the prospect to know the true you (and belief me, the true you is definitely fairly nice).
- The extra you observe exhibiting up authentically, the simpler it will get.
Your presence—your actual, unfiltered, sometimes-awkward presence—is value sharing. Don’t let your harsh inside critic rob the world of your distinctive perspective and power.
Possibly the best plot twist on this complete story is that this: After I stopped attempting so exhausting to be somebody I assumed others would settle for and began accepting myself as an alternative, I lastly discovered the belonging I’d been trying to find all alongside.
Humorous how that works.
About Sandy Woznicki
Sandy Woznicki is a stress coach serving to mother and father discover their inside calm and get to know, like, and belief themselves (to allow them to be the particular person, mum or dad, and associate they are supposed to be). Learn to communicate to your self like somebody you like with this free inside voice makeover workbook.
