“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to 1’s braveness.” ~Anaïs Nin
After I assume again on my life, shyness looks like an internal jail I carried with me for years. Not a jail with bars and guards, however a quieter variety—manufactured from hesitation, concern, and silence. It stored me standing nonetheless whereas life moved ahead round me.
One reminiscence stays with me: my eighth-grade dance. The gymnasium was alive with music, youngsters transferring awkwardly however freely on the ground, laughing, bumping into each other, having enjoyable. And there I used to be within the nook, figuratively stomping paper cups.
That’s how I bear in mind it—like I used to be crushing cardboard as an alternative of moving into life. I may even smile on the picture now, however on the time it wasn’t humorous. I observed one other woman throughout the room, additionally standing alone. She was stunning. Possibly she was ready for somebody to stroll over. However in my thoughts, she was “out of attain.” My shyness locked me in place, and I by no means moved.
It wasn’t a dramatic heartbreak—simply one other reminder of what number of moments slipped by.
The Sample of Missed Possibilities
That evening was solely one in all many. Over time I missed much more alternatives than I embraced: the conversations I didn’t begin, the invites I quietly prevented, the ladies I admired from a distance however by no means approached.
Shyness by no means actually served me. I hated it, but it surely was highly effective. I carried it into my grownup years, and although I fought onerous to loosen its grip, it formed how I lived and associated. Over time I modified; I’d name myself “reserved” now slightly than painfully shy. However the shadow remains to be there.
Shyness as a Jail
Shyness isn’t simply being quiet. It’s a complete system of concern and self-consciousness: concern within the physique, doubt within the thoughts, and inaction on the earth. It looks like security, but it surely’s actually confinement. It builds partitions between you and the very connections you lengthy for.
I’ve come to see shyness as a sort of “social yips.” Simply as an athlete all of a sudden freezes when overthinking the only motion, I froze in moments of connection. I knew what I needed to do, however my physique wouldn’t observe. And like the yips, the extra I thought of it, the more severe it grew to become. Buddhism later helped me see that the way in which by wasn’t forcing myself tougher however loosening my grip—letting go of self-judgment and moving into presence.
Zorba and the Option to Say Sure
As I look again, I do know not each missed likelihood would have been good for me. Typically the lure of conquest was extra about ego than true connection, and saying no spared me errors.
However there’s one other sort of second that also stings. In Zorba the Greek, Kazantzakis has Zorba say, “The worst sin a person can commit is to reject a lady who’s beckoning.”
The purpose isn’t about conquest—it’s about clinging. In case you say sure when life beckons, you possibly can stroll away later with out questioning perpetually. You’ve lived it, and it’s full. However in the event you flip away, you carry the ghost of what might need been. That ghost clings to you.
I do know that ghost properly—the ache of silence, the reminiscence of strolling away once I might need stepped ahead. These are the regrets that linger.
A Buddhist Lens on Shyness
Buddhism has helped me perceive this jail in a brand new method. The Buddha taught that struggling arises not from life itself however from how we cling to it. My shyness was stitched collectively from craving, aversion, and delusion.
The partitions of my jail regarded stable, however they weren’t. They have been solely habits of thought.
Buddhism additionally teaches dependent origination: every part arises from causes and situations. My shyness wasn’t my id. It was the product of temperament, upbringing, tradition, and adolescence. If it arose from situations, it might additionally fade as situations modified. It was by no means “me”—only a sample I carried.
And on the coronary heart of all of it was attachment to self-image. I used to be afraid of being judged, of trying silly, of failing. However meditation taught me that the “self” I used to be defending was by no means stable. Ideas go, emotions change, id shifts. When there’s no fastened self to guard, the concern loses its grip.
Remorse With out Clinging
The recollections of shyness nonetheless emerge infrequently. They’re not paralyzing anymore—I don’t dwell locked in that cell—however after they rise, they sting. They make me really feel silly, like a prisoner would possibly really feel when trying again on wasted years, replaying selections that may’t be undone.
What I attempt to do now is just not cling to them. I can see them for what they’re: reasonably unresolved regrets. They’ll most likely all the time flicker in my reminiscence. However as an alternative of treating them like everlasting failures, I allow them to go by. They remind me I’m human, that I as soon as hesitated once I longed to behave, and that I don’t should make the identical alternative now.
Remorse, I’ve realized, will also be a instructor. It exhibits me what I worth most: presence, intimacy, connection. It jogs my memory to not hold dwelling behind partitions of hesitation.
Buddhism teaches that reminiscence—whether or not candy or painful—is one thing the thoughts clings to. However the door of the jail has all the time been unlocked. Freedom comes once we cease pacing the cell and step into the current.
Saying Sure
One reminiscence from later in life stands out. I used to be in my twenties, nonetheless shy however attempting to push previous it. Somebody I admired invited me to hitch a small group heading out after class. All the things in me needed to retreat, to say no. However that point, I stated sure.
It wasn’t an awesome romance or life-changing occasion. We simply shared espresso, talked, laughed just a little. However what mattered was that I had stepped ahead. For as soon as, I wasn’t left haunted by what if. I walked away lighter, with out clinging. That small sure gave me a glimpse of freedom.
I’m nonetheless not outgoing. However I’m now not the boy within the nook, stomping cups whereas everybody else dances. I can step ahead, even when my voice shakes. I can threat connection with out assuming others are out of attain.
Shyness should whisper in my ear, but it surely now not holds the keys.
What I’ve Discovered
- Shyness was my internal jail, however the bars have been manufactured from thought, not stone.
- Not each conquest would have served me—however turning away from true openness creates the sharpest remorse.
- Remorse is painful, however it will probably train us what issues most.
- Recollections of missed possibilities nonetheless floor, however I don’t should cling to them.
- Freedom doesn’t come from rewriting the previous, however from selecting in another way now.
I nonetheless carry the reminiscence of that eighth-grade dance, the woman throughout the room, the echo of different missed possibilities. However I don’t cling to them anymore. They remind me that presence is all the time potential—as a result of freedom isn’t present in “what if.”
It’s present in saying sure when life beckons and in stepping out of the jail of hesitation, right here and now.
To anybody studying this who has ever stood within the nook of their very own life: the jail you’re feeling round you was by no means locked. You may step ahead, nevertheless awkwardly, and discover freedom within the current second.
About Tony Collins
Tony Collins is a documentary filmmaker, educator, and author whose work explores creativity, caregiving, and private development. He’s the creator of: Home windows to the Sea—a transferring assortment of essays on love, loss, and presence. Artistic Scholarship—a information for educators and artists rethinking how inventive work is valued. Tony writes to replicate on what issues—and to assist others really feel much less alone.
