“Feelings will not be issues to be solved. They’re alerts to be felt.” ~Vironika Tugaleva
We’ve been taught to bundle our feelings like quick meals—served fast, tidy, and with a smile. Americanized emotions. Digestible. Non-threatening. All the time paired with productiveness.
For those who’re unhappy, journal it. For those who’re indignant, regulate it. For those who’re overwhelmed, repair it with a three-step plan and a inexperienced juice. And if that doesn’t work? Attempt once more. You in all probability missed a step.
That is how we promote emotional therapeutic within the West—marketed like a self-improvement product. Seven-minute abs. Seven habits. 5 love languages. Observe the components. Discover the peace.
However what if the components is the lie?
As a psychological well being therapist, I’ve lived it on either side. I’ve sat within the consumer chair, feeling damaged as a result of my disappointment didn’t resolve after sufficient gratitude lists. And I’ve sat throughout from shoppers who whisper their grief like a confession, questioning what they did flawed as a result of they nonetheless really feel one thing.
They aren’t doing it flawed. They’re simply human.
Therapeutic isn’t about “doing” our emotions. It’s about studying the way to truly really feel them—with out the compulsion to justify them or translate them into one thing helpful.
You owe no rationalization on your emotions.
And nonetheless, even understanding that, I get caught in it too.
I, too, am a product of this tradition—a spot the place emotions are solely tolerated when packaged correctly. Not too loud. Not too lengthy. Ideally resolved by morning.
Due to that, there are days I really feel a deep aloneness. However I’ve come to appreciate the aloneness isn’t a flaw—it’s a longing. A longing to be witnessed within the fullness of my humanity. Not mounted. Not analyzed. Simply seen.
I don’t want validation. I don’t need to defend how I really feel. I simply need house. Presence. Room to let the sensation cross via me.
The loneliness jogs my memory how deeply I’ve been formed by a tradition that fears feelings except they arrive with an motion plan.
So I’ve realized to cover mine from most individuals—not as a result of I’m ashamed, however as a result of they’re afraid. Persons are afraid of their very own emotions, so after all they’ll worry the vulnerability of mine. Most individuals on this nation don’t know what to do with actual emotions. And the doing has change into the issue.
That worry of being an excessive amount of or too messy is rooted deep not solely in American tradition but in addition me.
That half inside me judges the a part of me that feels disappointment at occasions. She calls it weak point. Not out of cruelty, however out of worry. She believes that if she will be able to disgrace that half, a a lot youthful, extra genuine half that lives inside me, she gained’t threat being shamed by others.
I’m certain many different People have this very same half inside them as effectively.
Now we have to be robust, suck it up—no matter that even means.
The a part of me that will get unhappy. The half that will get afraid. The half that feels lonely. These are components I exiled way back. However I’m starting to carry them house to me. The components which can be fearful of taking over house. They don’t know but how valuable they’re.
They’re not simply tender. They’re clever. They’re the intuitive, empathetic, deeply alive components of me. The components our tradition has spent numerous centuries making an attempt to neglect.
However I gained’t neglect these components. Not anymore.
I converse to them now, with readability and compassion. I inform them: You might be allowed to really feel with out defending it. You might be allowed to take up house with out apologizing for the burden of your reality. Increase. Don’t shrink.
The unhappy one. The scared one. The one who needs to cover. The one who’s studying to remain. Even the critic. They will all exist inside me—aspect by aspect—with out contradiction. With out disgrace. With no need to clarify themselves to anybody.
I’ll not betray them as a result of others betray their very own components and undertaking their self-betrayal onto me.
There’s an entire galaxy inside me, and there’s an entire galaxy inside you. In fact nobody else will absolutely perceive it.
What issues is that I do.
And I’m studying… I’m not right here to be understood. I’m right here to easily be me—and to permit all that resides in me to be, too.
And possibly you might be, too.
About Allison Briggs
Allison Jeanette Briggs is a therapist, author, and speaker specializing in serving to ladies heal from codependency, childhood trauma, and emotional neglect. She blends psychological perception with religious depth to information shoppers and readers towards self-trust, boundaries, and genuine connection. Allison is the writer of the upcoming memoir On Being Actual: Therapeutic the Codependent Coronary heart of a Girl and shares reflections on therapeutic, resilience, and internal freedom at on-being-real.com.
