“Essentially the most stunning issues on the planet can’t be seen… they should be felt with the guts.” ~Helen Keller
I didn’t wish to admit it—to not myself, to not anybody. However I’m slowly going blind.
That reality is troublesome to jot down, more durable nonetheless to stay. I’m seventy years previous. I’ve survived warfare zones, sickness, caregiving, and artistic dangers. I’ve labored as a documentary filmmaker, trainer, and mentor. However this—this quiet, gradual vanishing of sight—feels just like the loneliest wrestle of all.
I’ve reasonable to superior macular degeneration in each eyes. My proper eye is almost gone, and my left is fading. Each two weeks, I obtain injections to attempt to protect what imaginative and prescient stays. It’s a routine I now stay with—and one I dread.
Residing in a Imaginative and prescient-Centric World
We stay in a world that privileges sight above all different senses.
From billboards to smartphones, from flashy design to social cues, imaginative and prescient is the dominant sense in American tradition. For those who can’t see clearly, you fall behind. You’re ignored. The world stops making house for you.
Is one sense really extra beneficial than one other? Philosophically, no. However socially, sure. On this tradition, blindness is feared, pitied, or ignored—not understood. And so are most disabilities.
Accessibility is usually an afterthought. Lodging, a burden. To stay in a disabled physique on this world is to be reminded—many times—that your wants are inconvenient.
I consider folks in different international locations—tens of millions with out entry to care and even analysis. I thank the deities, ancestors, and forces of compassion that I don’t have one thing worse. And I remind myself: as painful as that is, I’m fortunate.
However it’s nonetheless bleak and painful to coexist with the bodily world when it not sees you clearly—and when you’ll be able to not see it.
How a Filmmaker Faces Blindness
As my sight fades, one query haunts me: How can I be a filmmaker, author, and trainer with out the eyes I as soon as trusted?
I usually consider Beethoven. He misplaced his listening to steadily, as I’m shedding my sight. A composer who may not hear—however nonetheless created. Nonetheless transmitted music. Nonetheless discovered magnificence in silence.
I perceive his despair—and his devotion. No, I’m not Beethoven. However I’m somebody whose life has been formed by visible storytelling. And now I have to be taught to form it by really feel, by reminiscence, by belief.
I depend on accessibility instruments. I hear to each phrase I write. I take advantage of audio cues, display screen readers, and my very own inside voice. I nonetheless write in movement once I can—however extra slowly, phrase by phrase. I revise by sound. I rebuild by sense. I write proprioceptively—feeling the form of a sentence in my fingers and breath earlier than it lands on the display screen.
It’s not environment friendly. But it surely’s alive. And in some methods, it’s extra trustworthy than earlier than.
Attempt ordering groceries with low imaginative and prescient. Tiny grey textual content on a white background. Menus with no labels. Buttons you’ll be able to’t discover. After ten minutes, I surrender—not simply on the web site, however on dinner, on the day.
That is what incapacity appears to be like like within the digital age: Not darkness, however exclusion. Not silence, however indifference.
Even with instruments, even with know-how, it’s exhausting. The web—an area with a lot potential to empower—too usually turns into a maze for individuals who can’t see clearly. It’s bleak to stay in a world that provides options in concept, however not in apply.
I nonetheless train. I nonetheless mentor. However the best way I train has modified.
I not depend on visible suggestions. I ask college students to explain their work aloud. I hear intently—for that means, for emotion, for readability of function. I information not by trying, however by sensing.
This isn’t lower than—it’s completely different. Typically richer. Educating has turn out to be extra relational, extra intentional. Not about being the professional, however about being current.
And nonetheless, I miss what I had. Each process takes extra time. Each e-mail is a mountain. However I keep on—not out of stubbornness, however as a result of that is who I’m. A trainer. A creator. A witness.
Buddhism, Impermanence, and Grief
So the place do I put this ache?
Buddhism helps. It teaches that each one kinds are impermanent. Sight fades. Our bodies change. Clinging brings struggling. However letting go—softly, attentively—can deliver peace.
That doesn’t imply I bypass grief. I stay with it. I breathe with it.
There’s a Zen story of a person who misplaced an arm. Somebody requested him how he was coping. He replied, “It’s as if I misplaced a jewel. However the moon nonetheless shines.”
I consider that always.
I’ve misplaced a jewel. However I nonetheless see the moon. Typically not with my eyes, however with reminiscence, with feeling, with breath.
The Knowledge of Slowness
My writing is gradual now. Not as a result of I’ve misplaced my voice, however as a result of I have to hear it otherwise.
I nonetheless expertise movement—however not within the previous means. I write phrase by phrase. Then I hear. Then I rewrite. I transfer like somebody strolling throughout a darkish room, palms outstretched—not afraid, however attentive.
That is how I create now. Intentionally. Tenderly. With presence.
And on this gradual, troublesome course of, I’ve discovered one thing surprising: a deeper connection to my very own language. A deeper longing to make others really feel one thing true.
Whilst I fade from the visible world, I’m discovering a brand new technique to see.
What I Nonetheless Provide
If there’s one factor I can provide—by means of blindness, grief, and slowness—it’s this: We don’t lose ourselves after we lose talents or roles. We’re not disappearing. We’re nonetheless right here. Simply doing issues otherwise—extra slowly, extra attentively, and maybe with a deeper sense of that means.
At some point, I’ll not be capable to see the display screen in any respect. However I’ll nonetheless be a author. Nonetheless be a trainer. Nonetheless be somebody who sees, within the ways in which matter most.
Even when the sunshine goes out in my eyes, it doesn’t should exit in my voice.
And if you happen to’re studying this, then the trouble was value it.
About Tony Collins
Tony Collins, EdD, MFA, is a author, documentary filmmaker, and educator whose work explores presence, creativity, and that means in on a regular basis life. His essays mix storytelling and reflection within the model of artistic nonfiction, drawing on experiences from filmmaking, journey, and caregiving. He’s the creator of Inventive Scholarship: Rethinking Analysis in Movie and New Media Home windows to the Sea: Collected Writings. You possibly can learn extra of his essays and reflections on his Substack at tonycollins.substack.com.
